Dammit

I hate blogs sometimes

directions

screw the scale

It's no surprise that I've been obsessed with the scale for the past two years. And there have been some major victories. I've gone from 250 pounds in 2008 to 192 pounds currently, and that's something to be proud of. I'm more athletic now, and I don't feel like the biggest girl in the world anymore (though sometimes I definitely still feel like the biggest girl in the room, but whatever).

 

But there have been some real valleys in this journey. Times when the scale wouldn't move for MONTHS. I know it was a combination of diet, stress and sleep patterns. I know that. I know that if I had buckled down and stuck to a calorie count every day, I probably would have lost faster. But then there were those times when I was doing everything right and STILL couldn't lose. It got to the point where I was stepping on the scale every day, and cursing it constantly, hating myself. All because the numbers wouldn't go down the way I wanted them to.

 

It's not a healthy mindset for me anymore. It can't be all about the numbers anymore. Goals change. And even though I still want to hit 150 pounds at some point, that's not the prize I need to keep my eyes on. Because I want more than that. I don't just want to be some skinny chick. I want to be healthy. I want to be an athlete. I want to be a runner. And it's nearly impossible to diet and train for a long-distance race. So though I'm still going to watch what I eat (unlike this past weekend, sheesh), I'm not going to agonize over a bagel. Because the running means that my body needs the carbs. And it's going to need protein. What I don't need are the extras. The things my brain tells me taste good (chocolate things being near the top of this list) when they do my body NO good. I'm not saying I'm going to cut out chocolate altogether (are you crazy!?). But I actually ate so much chocolate this weekend that I made myself physically sick. To the point where I wasn't sure I was going to make it to work the next day. And that's just my brain clinging to old things, old ways, and not making the distinction between what my body needs and what my brain thinks I want. The brain has almost always been wrong lately.

 

So yeah, I had pie this morning (strawberry rhubarb, sooooo good) and a chocolate peanut butter ball. But when I go tutoring tonight, I skip the ice cream, because I don't need it. My body has gotten its sugar for the day, and if it wants dairy, that's what my skim milk is for at home. I don't need it. And I don't really want it.

 

I'm looking at joining the New York Road Runners. If I join now, run 9 races next year, and volunteer for one, I get into the New York City Marathon in 2012. That gives me short term and long term goals. There's also a race in Central Park on New Year's Eve that Jen and I want to do. It's not running away from my scale obession and demons - my plan is to run them right out of me. Because they can't control me anymore.

Oh boy

Decided against running this morning, and chose cross training instead. Did 35 minutes with BodyFate and HOLY CRAP. I forgot how much squats and pushups and lifts hurt. And then it made me run around the block as fast as I could, and I've been so spoiled with starting out slow that it nearly killed me ;P I find it funny that I can knock out 4 miles, but had trouble with 1/2 a mile this morning ;P

I'll be resting tomorrow. I need the sleep, my muscles need the break, and I have a race on Sunday.

Rough morning

But at least I got a 4 mile run in.

PMS slump

I had such a good day yesterday. Ran 4 miles, the scale was kind, and I felt like I was making progress somewhere.

And then this morning happened. Couldn't get up. Missed my run. Hate my hair. My clothes. My body. My brain. I didn't even want to leave the house. The scale was decidedly unkind, which is ridiculous, because I know I didn't gain 3 pounds in a day.

Days like this are always going to happen. There are going to be setbacks. There are going to be days when it feels like it's not worth it and I should just throw in the towel, stop exercising, and eat whatever the hell I feel like.

But I know that's far from the solution. That the self-loathing would take up permanent residence, and things would just go downhill. So I just have to focus on eating only what I bring with me to work (and avoiding the M&Ms and wedding cake) and giving it my all in beach vball tonight.

Evil Spam

I apologize for any of you who received spam from me. My account was apparently hacked. Lovely ;P I'm doing what I can to fix the problem. If you receive any of those spams from me in the future, a quick email to let me know would be great. Thanks!

 

--Lisa